Thursday, November 3, 2016

Put Up or Shut Up: An Open Letter to Robert DeNiro

Dear Bob,

I recently read that you want to "punch Donald Trump in the face." I would caution against it. I suggest you find an easier adversary, me perhaps. To begin with, I believe you lack the courage to fight either Mr. Trump or me. You are no tough guy, you're an actor, and not a very good one. Your roles are tedious- always some supposed tough guy from New York. I know tough guys from New York and you're no tough guy from New York! You're from the West Village, the Fire Island of Manhattan.Your apparent lack of acting skills demands that the roles be tailored to accommodate this deficiency.

 If you would like some tips on acting, I suggest you watch Brad Pitt. His politics I find as odious as your own, but the man can act. His delivery is polished and his timing is impeccable. From Kalifornia to Meet Joe Black, it doesn't matter the role, he excels. You could learn much from his performances. But your ego would prevent you from doing so.

Let me tell you about myself. I'm 71 years old and in poor health. My body is wracked with arthritis and I am in constant pain. However, I would be happy to be your sparring partner for your bout with "The Donald."  You'll need all the practice you can get for "The Fight of the Century." It could be billed as...The Entrepreneur With a Vision for America vs. Doesn't Know Shit From Shinola! I warn you, however, if you come to Arkansas to fight me (I'm too poor to go there) we're so fond of saying here- "I'll whup you like a red-headed stepchild!" I eagerly await your response.

Your most humble servant,
The Crazy Conservative

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